Yesterday marks 6 weeks and 1 day since my surgery. The absolute worst 4 weeks of my life here at the “Bitch Carlton.” Somehow, I made it through. I will be transported home by ambulance today at 4pm. I will be on another special mattress at home – but at least I will be home. I couldn’t have made it without all of the people who have stopped by, brought me food, coffee, even showed up in Reindeer costumes – you all made me smile. Thank you to everyone, you know who you are.
I have been just woken up (11:30pm) for my 2nd to last IV antibiotics. I started reflecting on the last 3 years of my life since the day that my life changed me. The last 3 years have been the worst 3 years of my life. Recently I was talking to a friend of mine Wayne Rainey. To this day, I still can’t believe, I can call him my friend – it’s just so cool to even say that. Thank you Wayne and Shea Rainey . Wayne, said to me, “you have it the worst out of all of the paralyzed people I know.”
I’ve had this horrible pressure ulcer on my sacrum, that has literally limited everything I was able to do. Pressure ulcers on both heels, that at one point, my tendon was out. Heterotopic Ossification removal surgery and subsequent life threatening infection after HO removal surgery. Not to mention, the silent fear of urinating or having a bowl movement in public at any given time. The worst part is, my beautiful wife has had to clean and dress my wound every day for the last 3.5 years. It is a long and involved process that has to happen every morning before I got out of my special bed. If done incorrectly, I could have gotten a horrible infection that could have killed me. Thank you baby, I love you.
The hardest part about the last 3 years has been the extreme mental exhaustion, frustration and constant disappointment. It has put immense pressure on me and my family. Honestly, I do not know why they still talk to me after I was such an asshole to them at times. I think it was because I was so angry all of the time! Everything was a struggle, or something that I couldn’t do by myself and had to ask for help. It’s hard going from being extremely independent and self-sufficient to needing help for almost everything, and especially not being able to help with anything. It really kills me inside.
When I laid in bed wishing that I had just died in the accident, I thought about Eric Arnold – and the same things that he must have gone through, it broke my heart. When you are that depressed lots of bad things go through your head. I knew exactly why Eric chose the path that he did. Honestly, I contemplated it myself at various points for the first 2 years. Ultimately, I concluded that it would be such a selfish act for my family, friends and everyone that supported me. I needed to concentrate on trying to regain some independence and find a purpose. Everything that I knew and loved to do in life had been taken away from me. I miss you Eric Arnold and think about you often.
Anneliese and I have our fingers crossed that this surgery will give us some sort of our lives back. Thank to everyone for your support, contributions, visits, calls and help in general. I will update my progress in rehab etc..
I am going to post a link to a picture of my wound and subsequent surgery scar if you want an idea what I have been dealing with. (It’s not that bad to look at) Thank you to Dr. Chen, my surgeon, who has been methodical with my care.
Thank you to everyone, I love you all.